How a stranded Malaysian traveller
became a VR game developer in Poland
my storY
Hi, I’m Alex
And this is my story that brought me here.
How I started my travel without money
and ended up getting where I am now.
Growing through
childhood trauma
A story about courage and bravery.
People often think I’m lucky whenever I share my living abroad and travelling experiences. My friends often view me as someone who is positive, bright and funny. But today, I would like to share my story with you, things that people don’t really talk about.
I was raised and born in the Eastern part of Malaysia, Sabah. I came from a modest middle working class family. In my memories, I have always been a happy child. Until…I wasn’t. When I was 12 years old, a childhood trauma changed me. Since then, I felt the world has fallen apart. Later in life I learnt that it was the cause of a dysfunctional family.
For many years, I kept it a secret and never told anyone about it. On the outside, I go to school like a normal kid, have fun with friends, still known as the craziest and the funniest one. But deep down inside of me knows that, some parts of me have already broken.
There was a time in my life, everyday, I fell asleep crying and was afraid of waking up. Everyday I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells and going through a battlefield. The painful part is that it was invisible to others, only you can feel it. It took me almost ten years to admit that what I’m going through is called depression.
Nobody knows, everyday in the past, I tried so hard to stay alive.
Having ADHD is a blessing and a curse. The best part of being hyperactive is that I have no time to be depressed once I get out of home. I was active in sports, school activities, and club performances. The downside is that for adults and teachers, I was always a troublemaker and it affected my self-esteem as I never knew what I did wrong to deserve the punishments.
Eventually I became rebellious, stubborn and had no respect for the status quo. But I was lucky, when I thought the world turned its back on me, I’ve met good mentors and people who do not give up on me. They shaped me to be a better person by teaching me new skills and knowledge in different fields.
Still, depression never seems to leave me.
When I was 17, the age when everyone started to be serious about the future. I have no idea what I wanted to do with my life as I lost interest in everything, when I thought everything was coming to an end. Steve Job’s biography saved my life. Because of him, I have new hopes and dreams. Next thing I know, I signed up for university.
At that time, my one and only dream was to travel to the United States. I was longing for freedom. It was kind of impossible for me as I was being taught that if you’re not born rich, your only option is to go to school, get a degree, get a job, be an engineer, lawyer or doctor so you can travel sometimes.
What a limited life, I thought.
How to fight
depression – Do
what scares you
Luck is the reward of courage.
We all know it would be a lie if I told you it’s all sunshine to chase your dream. I was constantly living in fear but surprisingly that’s what helped me go through depression – Take action, do what scares you.
Everything changed when I left home for university.
I moved to a new city, a fresh start, a new me.
Suddenly, I’m not depressed anymore.
I was away from home, no one really knew about me.
I can restart my life again, to be specific, reborn.
I get to choose who I want to be.
The bubble of society burst, I was happy again.
My adventure starts from university semester break – one month Aiesec Global Volunteers exchange in Taiwan, three months working holiday in Wyoming, USA and another three months luxurious experience working at Hilton Waikoloa Village in Hawaii. From the age of 19 to 25. I have lived in seven countries and travelled to many places around the world.
I became materialistic because I worked really hard to achieve my dreams. But it was in Hawaii, when I fulfilled my dream of living the kind of Hollywood lifestyle which the mass media promoted, I was feeling lost and empty. I’ve had everything I ever wanted, a glimpse of a successful life I might have worked hard my whole life for, but I’m not happy.
I was lost. Knowing that getting a university degree is not going to help me figure out what I want in life. I made a bold decision to leave and help out at a small eco resort in the rainforest of Brunei. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made.
The happiest seven months of my life. Life is so simple that happiness comes from collecting vegetables from the wild, swimming in the river with the locals and walking barefoot around the jungle. It was in this rural and magical place where I’ve met countless travellers who shared with me their life experiences, their life is so different from the one I’ve known and it sparks my curiosity towards the world.
Workaway, the global volunteering exchange platform, opened the door of the world for me. It was the most meaningful way to explore the world, to give contributions to each place you visited and allowed you to travel like a local. I really like the idea of volunteering abroad and exploring the world. But there is a problem, I am not rich enough to work for free.
I wanted to prove that it’s possible for anyone to start chasing their dream when they have nothing. So I started my journey without money and I started asking around if anyone would like to fund my travel to support my dream. Surprisingly, within a week, I gathered enough funds to start my travelling. It was the kindness of people who made my dream come true.
Looking back, what a wild and adventurous life I’ve lived. Wake up to new places everyday or a few times a month. My European friends were inviting me to hitchhike across the Western Europe, sailing and singing Szanty in the lakes of Mazury, camping in the wild across Switzerland, and countless unforgettable adventurous trips. I’ve learnt that the number of countries I visited is not important anymore because what really matters is how much I grow with the experiences I’ve had and the people I’ve met along my journey.
Until Covid got me stuck in Poland. Why Poland? Most asked questions. I believe everything happens for a reason. A day before my flight back to Malaysia, my flight got cancelled. A polish traveller that once inspired me to travel in the rainforest of Brunei invited me back to her home and offered me a safe place while the world is in chaos. It was a big family with a lot of love.
Finally, all the love and kindness I’ve received from others gave me strength and power to love those who hurt me and it healed my mental scars. Under special circumstances, I’ve been offered an opportunity to work in the virtual reality field.
Everything seems unbelievably great until reality hits.
“Who are you?”
Mental Health
Awareness
It took me a long time to realise, it’s a very selfish thing to do – To ask people who love you unconditionally to accept who you are when you’re not able to do the same for them and for yourself. But that’s what depression does to you, it takes away your happiness and stops you from letting love in. You push people away. Then, you slowly fade away from their lives and blame others for not caring for you enough.
For many years, I used to the concept of living a free life, having no responsibilities, no commitments. When things don’t go well, I can move to somewhere new and start again. But now, my journey is about to start a new company. I found myself struggling with the idea of being responsible for others.
Despite the fact that I’ve healed from the mental scars, I discovered there are more underlying issues – self doubts, low self-esteem, rejection sensitive dysphoria which jeopardise my career that I’m unable to solve on my own. This time, I decided to seek help from a professional.
“Who are you?” my therapist asked.
At the age of 25, I found myself unable to answer the question.
It was a big turning point in my life.
My therapist had helped me to understand the feelings that failed to be addressed properly from the trauma will always be there. People with mental scars continue to live their lives thinking everything is over, but we never actually move on, we are “stuck” in the past. This is where the mental problems grow – PTSD, OCD, addictions, imposter syndrome, personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and so on.
Surely I’ve lived an extraordinary life based on my circumstances but no matter how much I’ve changed, outgrown the environment and become someone who I would like to become. Without acknowledging the root of all problems, I will always be the 12 years old girl who is feeling lost and scared.
Everything makes so much sense now once I connected the dots.
I think we are very lucky to be born in a generation when people are more open talking about mental health. I decided to share my story as I hope to encourage others to seek out help from professionals if you find yourself struggling in life. Not all therapists are good but the great one really can help you go a little bit further in life.
The negative voices that used to stay in my head all the time are gone now.
Right now my journey is about to develop a VR game that makes exercise fun and easier for everyone to help others be physically healthier. I fell in love with VR when I saw how much weight I’ve lost just by playing Beat Saber and how it can connect people around the world. It inspires me to create a virtual world and bring fun and adventure to others.
Still struggling to figure things out but I want to learn the skill of how to utilise the power of technology to solve other people’s problems in order to repay the kindness I’ve received throughout my life.
And this is my story, how I ended up where I am now.
grow with me
It took me six months to overcome the self doubts and finish the website. If you would like to support my dream, feel free to reach out to me and let me know about your thoughts. Whether it is a kind message, a simple advice or a small fund, it can help me go a little further towards my dream.
